During my years as a relationship expert, I’ve noticed that the main area most couples struggle with is the dreaded (and very misunderstood) realm of communication. Communication skills? What are those? Some will argue that as long as they speak to each other, it has to be better than not speaking at all. Unfortunately, this is absolutely not the case. Most couples make devastating mistakes in their attempts to communicate and are often times not even aware of it. So, let’s take a quick look at the five most common communication mistakes that the majority of couples are guilty of.

1. Getting Angry and Staying Angry

Ever heard Elsa’s song “Let it go?” According to Dr. Gottman, the use of contempt in a conversation is the number one predictor of divorce. I’ve found that couples who use foul language, give off negative body language, and are generally disrespectful towards their partner during an argument can lead their partner to begin mirroring this behavior. Not surprisingly, the other partner will be eager to shut down the conversation and walk away. There’s no reason for the partner to continue bringing up issues when it’s going to end in a devaluing screaming match where obscenities roll off of the tongue freely. If a couple can manage to control their anger and remove it from the conversation, they are one step further towards building a healthier relationship.

2. Playing the Blame Game

 

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This game is so easy to play – and yet so hard to win! When a couple begins a challenging conversation, the first mistake can be pointing the finger at your partner. “You” tends to be the main subject of their speech. “You did this,” “You made me feel this way,” and “You failed me” are just a few ways this plays out. Instead, couples who use strictly “I” statements when explaining their perspectives start the discussion on a more even playing field. When you put the put the focus on your actions and feelings rather than your partner’s, you are much more likely to elicit a rational response that will lead to a productive conversation.

3. Reacting Rather Than Listening

It’s easy to just think about your “day in court.” What tends to happen most often during a discussion is that while one partner is telling their side of the story, the other partner isn’t listening, but rather is spending their time coming up with their own defense. This means they really don’t hear the partner’s story or feelings and can’t formulate a response. How can you respond to your partner’s feelings, thoughts, and complaints when you haven’t even heard him (or her)? Couples should approach this problem by pretending that you’re watching your partner’s movie – it’s their time to speak and express themselves, and you have time to totally soak in all the details. After that, you get to perform your own film while your partner listens. There has to be a constant state of “give and take.”

4. Waiting for the Storm

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You know it’s coming…but when? There are many couples who will only confront their issues when the going gets especially rough. These couples have a tendency to want to resolve issues only when problems occur but not when things seem to be calm. In my experience, this can be one of the most crucial mistakes couples can make. It is vital that couples attempt to discuss issues when they are on good terms with each other and are generally happy. When both of you are in a good place, this is when conversations will be most productive and rational rather than overwhelming and highly emotional.

5. Letting One-on-One Time Together Slip Away

It’s all about the two of you! Couples often neglect their one-on-one time, pushing it aside for “tomorrow.” The busyness of life is full of bills, kids, jobs, and hobbies that can distract partners from each other to the point that they forget to act like a couple. Before you know it, your relationship is just another hour-long appointment in between board meetings. Because there is a lack of quality time, couples will want to squeeze important conversations into a few minutes or not talk about them at all. In doing this, couples unknowingly create a snowball effect. The small things you wanted to discuss with your partner last week grow and grow until resentment takes their place. However, couples who make sure to dedicate time each week for a date night (something as simple as a walk around the neighborhood or a quick meal) and talk about things peacefully accomplish much more in their day-to-day lives. They are able to discuss things effectively and don't allow issues to go unnoticed and neglected.

So, the question is…do you and your spouse recognize the Big Five? If so, don’t worry a bit. It’s completely normal, as most couples can identify at least a couple of these five mistakes (if not all five) in their relationship. The important step is recognizing them and dealing with them, head on!

The “Big Five” doesn’t determine your future…only you and your partner have that power!

If you would like professional help to build or repair your relationship, contact Orly Gueron a Licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship specialist in Aventura, FL!