Validating each other’s feelings and experiences is incredibly important for a couple in a relationship. But as a relationship counselor, when I discuss with my clients how they can validate one another, I often find that most couples aren’t sure how to really go about it. In Part 2 of this series, I’ll be discussing a few key components of validation and how you can effectively validate your partner’s feelings.

undefined


Validating does not equal agreeing: It’s important to understand that accepting your partner’s feelings does not mean you need to agree with them. Validation is communicating that the relationship is important and solid even if you disagree with your partner on some issues. For instance, if your partner wants to sell off the car and buy a new one, which you really don't think is a good idea, you can still use validation as a way to support your partner and strengthen the relationship while maintaining your different opinion.


Listen carefully: Successful validation in a relationship depends on really paying attention to what your partner is saying. Even if you find it difficult to hold off your own judgments and natural reactions to a particular situation or topic, you need to put your own thoughts on the back burner and focus instead on your partner’s thoughts, feelings and experiences. Instead of listening while multitasking (working on the laptop or watching TV), face your partner, nod your head and make eye contact to show that you are listening carefully.


Acknowledge and accept: Acknowledge what your partner says or what they feel. For instance, if your partner feels differently about a recent family trip and says, “We sure didn’t spent much time together this time,” you might respond by saying, “I can see why you feel that way. It’s just that I don’t get to see my family very often and spent more time interacting with them. But I’m glad we had the evenings to ourselves.” By acknowledging your partner’s feelings about the trip, you are allowing them the space to be upset, but at the same time showing that you don’t completely agree with them.


Ask questions: When your partner is sharing a problem or difficult situation with you, ask open-ended questions such as “How would you have wanted it to end?” or “How did you react to that?” or “How do you feel about it now?” Clarifying their experiences can make your partner feel gratified and show that you really care and are keen to listen.


Show you understand: How often do you make statements to your partner to let them know that you are making a sincere effort to understand? While discussing problems affecting your partner, let them know that you see why they feel the way they do by using validating statements such as, “I would have felt the same way,” or “Under such circumstances, what you feel is understandable.” Apart from using validating statements, you can also show validation with your partner through physical actions such as holding hands or giving a hug.


See a counselor: Learning how to use validation effectively requires practice. If you are having difficulty in validating your partner’s feelings, then it might be best to find a qualified counselor who can walk with you through the process.


If you'd like professional help in learning how to use validation in your relationship, contact Orly Gueron a Licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship specialist in Aventura, FL!