In Part 1 of this series, we saw how intimate relationships can bring meaning and purpose to our lives. But achieving individual growth within a relationship can be tricky, or even difficult and painful. As a relationship counselor, I often get clients who have failed to grow in a relationship in spite of having invested a lot of themselves in maintaining romance and intimacy. In Part 2 of this series, I’ll be discussing why some people feel they cannot grow in certain types of intimate relationships and what they should do about it.

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Losing individuality: When you are in an intimate relationship, you should evolve into someone better, not someone worse. During the early stages of a relationship, people often lose their defining characteristics in an attempt to increase bonding and participate keenly in all activities of their partner’s interests. In extreme cases, people even change their appearance and lifestyle to be more like their partner. But completely emulating your partner may not be such a good idea because after a period of time, you could be simply going along with what your partner wants to do. You could find that you no longer have the time to pursue your own interests, leaving you feeling lost and confused over your own identity.

In order to be in a successful partnership, you don’t need to “complete” each other by doing the same activities or agreeing on everything. Learn to respect the differences between you and your partner. You can allow your partner to be different in ways that are most important to them, but at the same time, pay attention to your own needs to be an individual, as well as a partner, when it is really important to you. Remember, that it is important to maintain your individuality for a long-lasting, healthy partnership.


Changing social patterns: Our individuality is also defined by our social interactions ad behavior. As compared to when they were dating, a couple’s social patterns often undergo a change after marriage to take care of new needs. For instance, if you have been used to going out on Friday nights to unwind with your co-workers, your partner might want you both to be together on Friday evenings after marriage. Also, couples friends could become more important in your social schedule after marriage than single friends with whom you have been used to spending more time.

Before marriage, it is important to discuss social adjustments with your partner in order to work out a comfortable balance for both. Talk to each other to decide the zones of autonomy and togetherness in your relationship. If your partner loves bowling, but you don’t share that interest, he can go with his friends, while you can catch up with your single friends. Keep in mind that you don’t need to give up all the social interactions that you enjoyed prior to the marriage and you only have to balance them with your relationship’s new social needs.


Growing separately: Being in a relationship involves lots of sacrifices and respecting each other’s life paths to give each other the best chance to grow. Unfortunately, all couples don’t grow at the same pace and one can grow much faster than the other. And when partners grow separately, they usually grow apart. Couples often find it difficult to love each other when one partner experiences individual growth, making the other partner feel they are in a relationship with a different person. For instance, one partner may be career-oriented and ambitious, while the other may have become more spirituality inclined. The partner on a spiritual path may feel held back by the one who wishes to continue pursuing material goals who, in turn, could be unable to identify with the partner’s spiritual lifestyle.

Couples who find themselves growing separately need to introduce something new into their relationship that is unrelated to their interests. Doing something different together, like learning a new form of dance, how to swim or even working out will help you spend time together as well as bond with each other while pursuing a common interest. If you are the one to have grown faster in the relationship, then persuade your partner to talk about any personal goals that may have been put on hold and offer your support to help achieve them. Remember, that it is important to always keep communicating with your partner about both growing together as well as individually for a long-lasting, healthy partnership.


If you'd like professional help in balancing individuality and relationship, and learn how you can thrive alongside your partner, contact Orly Gueron a Licensed marriage and family therapist and relationship specialist in Aventura, FL!